Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
