I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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