I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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