$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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