What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
