friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
