bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize