i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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