yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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