I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
