I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
