I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
