I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
