Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
