VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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