Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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