Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
