I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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