i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
