I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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