I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
