She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
