Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
