If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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