remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Are we still banned from the library?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
