So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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