She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
