Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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