Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She bit a glass in half.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
