i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
