Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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