I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
