dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I have demons in me.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
