There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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