I wish my penis had an off switch
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
