The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
