Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
