He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Randomize
