Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
