i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
