Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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