I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
