If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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