he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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