Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
