My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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