Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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