theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize