just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
