My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
