just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
