Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The air taste purple.
Randomize
