just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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