Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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