Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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