Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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