a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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