"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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